Before I begin to even write to you, beads of perspiration line my brow from the nervousness of this task. Focusing too much on myself has always made me so very self-conscious. Writing, and then and seeing it so plainly before me brings on a feeling of utter nakedness. I feel exposed and open to the world and usually do anything to avoid it.Yet today I will plough ahead in my bravery. The year 2012 has just ended and brings with it promises of 365 days which have yet to be written. Filling the pages of my empty book is where I begin, for today I wish to vent…
I sit here amidst the slush of slowly melting ice, the laughter of joyous children, their gleeful shouts and cries and their smiles; beautiful enough to melt a heart of stone. I sit here alone, silent and still as I watch the busy parents tend to their handful of children running around trying to keep their hats and gloves from falling.I watch young couples so in love, their eyes brimming from the promises of many more happy days to come and I watch the old and fading,their eyes holding stories of lifetimes long gone, moments spent so contentedly; a smile of fulfilment on their fragile faces as they too occupy one of the many park benches surrounding me.
I realise how much I love to listen to the sounds of human voices, their excited chatter intermingled and entwined, fading away into the distance..
As I sit here, I cannot help but wonder at my own troubled thoughts and emotions; raging and raw. A burdened soul, cowering under the load of its weight. Those memories which were carefree moments thought so little of once upon a time, have never failed to haunt me. The voices and faces which have been so frequently conjured up in my memory, have long since become one big tangled web of images, completely indistinguishable from one another.
It feels as though I have become trapped inside a bubble, frozen somewhere in between the past, the present and the future. An immobile being, going through the motions like the minute hand needle of a clock. The thought of what might be, has led to a state of constant fear. Fear of making the wrong choices, fear of having my trust broken and shattered to pieces yet again. Fear of becoming too dependent,fear of loss, fear of desertion, fear of having my life turned into an example of everything bad that could happen, fear of being traumatized, fear of being neglected, fear of missing out and fear of failure.
Putting it all into words so blatantly before myself has left me with a sense of relief and euphoria.
Writing has helped me put my life into perspective and I’ve understood what a true blessing it is.
I have been led to a mounting realization of how unpredictable life actually is.Growing up, what we fail to realize is how lucky we are to have people who love us continuously by our side. Friends that support us and cherish us, forever there at every beck and call, so willing to listen.
2013 comes amidst the fear-for some-of the world ending.Raging wars in the middle east, natural disasters in the west, holes in the ozone in the north and calamities in the south. Inclusive of this is every bit of torture we choose to inflict upon our own kind with civil wars, drone attacks, target shootings, rape, murder, hatred and general evil acts. If the very world we live in cannot be in a state of peace, maybe its time we start focusing on our own little bit.
Maybe living in a perfect world is impossible. But waking up everyday, being so blessed and much much luckier than most is enough to put a smile on my face. I may have bad days, but at least I don’t have a bad life. And so acknowledging my fears is where I must begin.Maybe its time to face my own demons. Maybe its time to fix those broken friendships which began so slowly yet ended too soon. Maybe its time to be true to myself and not hold back.Maybe its time to grow up a little.Maybe its time to forgive…
And so dear diary, I end this note with a light heart, an encouraged spirit and a smile on my lips. For now, I feel the world is mine and I’m determined to face it. Ready for all it has to offer me. Till next time. With much love..
Forever yours, Nadia