An enigma of uncertainty and doubt lurk in the dusty recesses of my thoughts as a shadow, shrouded only by my strong wall of resilience and confidence. Feelings of uncertainty always lie in wait just below the surface, making sudden and calculated appearances as they bury my self-assuredness into oblivion. A darkness so draining envelops swiftly leaving me floating in a pool of apprehension. Similar to the healing process of a freshly peeled scab, regrowth of self belief is a steep climb with a shallow pool of familiar brokenness below and an expanse of emotional detachment above. The middle is where I choose to settle for now, listless and raw.
I came out of the underground tube station and crossed the road to reach the bus stop. I noticed the bus was not due for another ten minutes and since there were already quite a few people standing around I moved off to the side a little. It was late afternoon, almost sunset and I had headphones on as I waited for my bus to arrive. There was a man, seemingly in his late forties sanding not far from the bus stop, beer bottle in hand, noticeably drunk.
I won’t deny that my initial feelings were one’s of being hugely let down.I felt betrayed. Day’s later, as I have had time to reflect upon it, I have come to feel annoyed at your general aloofness and your unwillingness to explain yourself better. Your lack of complete absence of any form of comfort could in part be owing to my enormous effort at trying to make the whole thing seem so ridiculously minor. But the truth is, I’m only human and no matter how brave a front I put up, at that moment I was hurting just like you once were.But the brokenness I feel is temporary and along the surface, and with time that too will fade. Above all though I respect you,and your decision. I see your good heart and your courage and I know you will go on to grow into much much more. I carefully savour our shared moments for nothing,not even this can tarnish those. You may not realise it but you have always been exceptionally special in my eyes,despite your many short comings, I admire you. And know that no matter where life takes us, you will always find a friend in me..