Bouts of insomnia gripped her once again. It seemed like they had returned with a vengeance. Sleeplessness dominated her nights. She lay awake and watched the minutes tick by. She longed once more for that blanket of blissful drowsiness that had no so long ago promised to continue taking her away to a land full of dreams.
Lately it seemed like she was on a path to destroy herself. To her, it felt like nothing really mattered, but the moment she was in. She had never been the reckless type. Every decision was thought over, every move calculated; the pros and cons measured. But she had changed. In retrospect, her actions frightened her. She didn’t recognise her responses as her own.
Years ago she has always admired people with guts. People who were forever ready, waiting to take the plunge. It seemed she had morphed into someone who no longer cared about the consequences till days after- when her mind had slowly had time to process that whirl wind of thoughts. That’s when guilt began to settle in. She knew she had to re-gain control, before she caused herself irreparable damage.But this path of self-destruction seemed like such an easy escape.. at least for the moment.
There comes a point when your whole life rests on one big decision. The choice once made could either make or break you. All it takes is one little signature on a stack of papers..
You outweigh the pros and cons. You spend sleepless nights wishing you could take a quick peek into the future, hoping you would find that little string of self-assurance you can hang on to. The risk in question excites you while at the same time deflates you. You feel as though you are signing away a portion of your life.
You find yourself wishing someone would make the decision for you, but at this point even your parents can only offer advice. They seem to be as unsure as you, and this revelation brings their own humanness to your attention. You look back at those last few carefree days spent at university and wish to turn back time if only for a few hours of peace. Though this future prospect has the potential to open up avenues you would have previously deemed impossible, it also has an element of uncertainty. This fear of one-day regretting the decision hangs overhead like a pendulum ready to drop.
And so all that’s left is to wait. The grace period looms in the distance and you begin to wonder whether you will take the gamble, hoping whatever path you take will be worth it.