On letting go

To you..

I won’t deny that my initial feelings were one’s of being hugely let down.I felt betrayed. Day’s later, as I have had time to reflect upon it, I have come to feel annoyed at your general aloofness and your unwillingness to explain yourself better. Your lack of complete absence of any form of comfort could in part be owing to my enormous effort at trying to make the whole thing seem so ridiculously minor. But the truth is, I’m only human and no matter how brave a front I put up, at that moment I was hurting just like you once were.But the brokenness I feel is temporary and along the surface, and with time that too will fade. Above all though I respect you,and your decision. I see your good heart and your courage and I know you will go on to grow into much much more. I carefully savour our shared moments for nothing,not even this can tarnish those. You may not realise it but you have always been exceptionally special in my eyes,despite your many short comings, I admire you. And know that no matter where life takes us, you will always find a friend in me..
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On Graduating, end of University life and some startling confessions-Brace yourself

               Can't wait for my convocation ceremony!

Can’t wait for my convocation ceremony!

Day 8..

So its been 8 days since my result was announced and I officially became a graduate. Having gone through the British University system, I was awarded a first class Hons.Degree in Information Technology. *Proud moment*

Tick Tock.. The time is 3.40 a.m! I should have been asleep over an hour ago, yet here I lay in a darkened room staring at the illuminated screen of my laptop hoping I can make it through this post without having to correct those pesky typo’s. *Bear with me please, I have no patience for editing*

Its been about a week since I’ve stepped out of my house.Literally. Those eye bags I acquired over the course of my final year due to lack of sleep and the insane tan I got from this extreme amount of sun we seem to be having this summer, are finally disappearing.Hurrah!

Those daily, four-hour train journeys have ended. That mounting sense of responsibility, dread of being a failure, inability to comprehend people’s bullshit and hours of struggling with coursework as well as that added exam stress has momentarily lifted.

Yes I know, I should be euphoric at this point – planning a wonderful future ahead, mentally checking off that long list of countries I promised myself  I would visit, exchanging mushy messages with a lover/potential husband/fiancée, basking in the freedom of a worry free future with the world at my fingertips… But here I am instead tapping away at this hour of the night churning out my frustrations to the world. (And I call myself an insanely private person, but I am)

Graduating is weird. It’s a silly overrated concept of finally entering the best years of your life, when in actuality its a kick in the ass and a great big shove through the door of adulthood-ism.

Through the course of your education you may have thought expectations surrounding you were high, but now suddenly you’re on the highest level of the expectation barometer! Questions such as ‘So when are you getting married?’, ‘Why isn’t your daughter engaged yet?’, ‘Let me introduce you to my son-so handsome, he’s perfect for you’, ‘Don’t you have a job yet?’, ‘What are you doing these days?’, ‘So what next?’, ‘What’s the plan?’, ‘You’re 21 years old, about time you settled down no?’ etc pour forth and drown you, left right and centre.

So here I am, plan-less, lover-less (Trust me, I almost had the perfect one and its killing me!), Job-less, Money-less, but completely content at being unemployed for now, just floating between escalating moments of relief, hopelessness and a constant feeling of being completely stagnant both emotionally and mentally..

The fact that I graduated feels like a distant memory, which resurfaces now and again bringing back that much-needed sense of accomplishment.

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Nadia Nawaz

 

 

I guess this is Goodbye

Disappointment is like a leash around my throat, threatening to strangle me as it slowly tightens with each passing second. The thought of being let down in such an unfathomable way is surreal. But the stark reality of the situation, the finality of the decision and the suddenness with which everything has unfolded is something which cannot be ignored. The very part of us that allows us to open up, trust people and let them get close is the humanness which makes us imperfect, susceptible  to harm and just like that we begin to deem ourselves incapable of being loved. Blaming our own poor judgement and openness is just so easy yet it’s the biggest fault of all..

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Dear Diary…

dear-diary

As of today, two years, 2 months and 11 days…

There was a time when feelings floated along the surface, fading as quickly as the rain clouds vanished after a storm. Never lasting more than a few moments in time. Emotions were never so deeply embedded. Seconds were never given their due importance and time just swept along, mindlessly spent as the days drew to a close.

Over the years all that has changed as drastically as the seasons come and go. Memories are now so preciously stored, and life which once so precariously balanced on the edge is savoured and cherished.
Distance has taught the hardest lesson of all. Fondness for those who are absent has increased so out of proportion that words are often insufficient to explain the explosion of feelings experienced.
The value of people and the difference they make in your life, the way a person touches you from the inside making them so impossibly hard to let go of, and the very fragility of life are all emotions so anew and foreign.

But perhaps the hardest lesson of all is that of attachment. Of how an attachment can break you down, confuse you beyond belief and suck the very life out of you when mishandled. How the obsessive thoughts of one person or people can render you incompetent. How your heart can become plagued by them, causing a deep-rooted dissatisfaction.
Above all, how dangerous an attachment can be. How hard it becomes to rid yourself of it and begin life all over.. For nothing can cause pain, like that of giving up a part of yourself you wanted to keep as yours alone forever.. but can undoubtedly never have.

nadia nawaz

Unleashing mysteries-Lost within the euphoria of the writer’s world

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A thousand thoughts are born, some sustaining the long night while others seem to diminish as abruptly as they are created. Succumbing to a nothingness, they vaporize into oblivion like the smoke from the wick of a blown out candle as it vanishes into thin air. Continue reading