An enigma of uncertainty and doubt lurk in the dusty recesses of my thoughts as a shadow, shrouded only by my strong wall of resilience and confidence. Feelings of uncertainty always lie in wait just below the surface, making sudden and calculated appearances as they bury my self-assuredness into oblivion. A darkness so draining envelops swiftly leaving me floating in a pool of apprehension. Similar to the healing process of a freshly peeled scab, regrowth of self belief is a steep climb with a shallow pool of familiar brokenness below and an expanse of emotional detachment above. The middle is where I choose to settle for now, listless and raw.
The mere mention of the word death is like a huge anchor suddenly being dropped to the very pit of your stomach. The rapidity of your pulsating heart and the shock of the news engulf you in this invisible cloak, shrouding you while removing you form the rest of the world. Every activity you were previously preoccupied with, every other thought apart from that single one becomes blurred, diminishing into nothingness.
Disbelief settles in as your eyes flood with a never ending stream of tears. You feel chocked up,trapped in a dark place from which escaping seems incomprehensible. You feel as though nothing will ever be the same. You begin to question your own existence, marvelling once more at how everything in life amounts to the feeling of being cheated.
I have always been a quiet griever. Mourning to me is an experience no one but the person going through it can actually understand. No matter how heartfelt a third persons condolences may be, they feel like empty words when unaccompanied by their physical presence, their shoulder to cry on and a loving hug. Empathy I believe must be shown through actions.
Dealing with the death of a loved one, friend, relative is a part of life we all go through. Every death leaves behind a fresh gash. The toughest part is when the previous gash hasn’t yet healed and a new one opens up. The bitter brokenness is worse than any heartbreak ever felt.
The ghost of my past lingers around me like the dense smoke I exhale, the shisha pipe clutched between my fingers.
The air is thick and clouded, a mist of vapour saturating it as with each breath I unfold a sequence of vivid of memories, unlocking the shadow of guilt which refuses to leave my side.
The shadow I always see in the green greying depths of your beautiful eyes..
In the clever formation of your words my mind interprets so radically..
In the dark of the night as I walk alone.
Shadows of the ghost, waiting for me to yield to their persistent nagging, always refusing to acknowledge my resolve.
How can they understand that I regret you, your very existence.. All of you.
People come and go and giving up and letting them be is something she never saw herself doing.
She was always one to hold on to that tiny particle of hope no matter how small..
All that had changed for her. She began to see the more that life had to offer and the amount of wasted time she was spending hoping for something or someone who was so unwilling to give anything back.
And so she finally made a decision, a resolve to let it all be. She had finally stopped trying, stopped wishing and stopped making the effort she was so used. And she realised she had never felt more alive..
It was an overwhelming feeling, one of utter insanity yet at the same time a complete liberation.
Lost within the deep recesses of a story made up solely by her own imagination she remained.
Plagued by uncertainty, yearning for a reprieve.
A twisted mind game where she was but a player among many others in a story waiting to unfold…
The morning suns rays filter through the blinds creating little circles of light on the bedroom floor. Somewhere in the room a person stirs, yawning away the last signs of sleepiness ready to face the new day. The sun envelops the room in a golden glow, promising a comforting warmth. Like many things in life it is but a mere deception in the sky artfully concealing the cold winds which rage on around it. To the insider, warm and secure within their home the cold is merely another glitch in the weather,duly noted upon leaving the house.
A couple of thousand miles away, across the ocean a new dawn creeps through. Desolation and misery haunt the place and despite the clear skies, moans and whispers of grief choke the surroundings. War and terror are just the norm around here,tearing apart families and wrecking havoc. The same new day here, brings with it more reminders of the pain left to endure until night fall. Planning a future is a story of the past.
The contrast is striking between the two countries yet the seconds that tick by are identical. They share the same skies, the same moon, the same sun. Yet they live and die worlds apart from one another somehow all nearing the same end through different means..
Crushed, defeated, overwhelmed, and overcome by feelings too deeply rooted and an attachment so intertwined within her she finally gave up.
To her it seemed that with each passing moment her care for him grew and blossomed like the flowers in spring. It seemed that being apart and blocking him out, cutting him off completely had not been the solution. She knew now, because she had tried it and failed.
The hesitation inside grew and spread around her. That uncertainty and confusion clouded her mind and filled her eyes with tears. The feeling of not knowing how life had played him, was too strong to let go of and fashioned her year into one of constant pain and misery. It thudded along with every beat of her heart settling at the deepest pit inside of her chaining her captive once and for all..