Musings of a sleep deprived, preoccupied student looking for an outlet!

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Exhausted is a word which barely begins to describe my state right now. To say I’m physically, emotionally and mentally spent would be an understatement. Yet here I am, busy hammering away at my keyboard despite having a back load of reading to catch up on, exam revisions to undertake, pages upon pages of learning to do and a million other things on my mind, which if I were to begin to explain, would literally take me the rest of the year maybe more.

As students we are given deadlines to work towards, assignments to complete, projects to undergo, presentations to give and of course the exams, which simply passing is never enough for me; I have to get that top mark or distinction. This need to excel and perform better than the rest is probably a genetic malfunction I would happily blame on my parents any day. But don’t take me wrong, I’m not complaining. In fact this growing sense of ambition which seems to get stronger day by day is one of the biggest blessings I have been given for which I am truly grateful.

Something which is completely beyond me however is my unwillingness and desire to revise. Throughout my education I have come to notice that whenever exam time approaches, each and every single student will do their hardest to make excuses for not sitting down to study. Be it catching up with old friends, replying to emails, sorting out your wardrobe, even doing house chores will seem more enticing than opening those bland text books or lecture notes and making yourself concentrate on them. Focusing at this time seems beyond us all. Facebook seems to be visited more frequently, mobile phones are checked every other minute for no reason other than to while away the hours and don’t forget the food; gouging on fast food, downing lattés like water and generally feasting on every single thing we can lay eyes on becomes something of a compulsion for students of all ages.

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It’s strange really. When being forced to do something, in this instance revising for an exam, we begin to resist and look for any outlet which will allow us to spend as little time in doing the very thing which ultimately needs to be done at every cost. However, be it any other day that very same activity will seem to capture our interest and cause time to pass us by without us caring. For example the subject we took a lecture on, will seem exceptionally interesting on any other day other than exam times ,so much so that we might spend an extra hour just reading through extra material for basic general knowledge. 252272_385510414830202_528117318_n

Being unable to grasp the strangeness of these occurrences, I will simply bring it down to the nature of human beings to resist any form of forceful constraints which we are bound by and must uphold. Either that, or a general unwillingness and fear of facing the consequences and results of our actions which are a part of every one of us. This trait is displayed particularly during the result announcement day.

As for me, for now I must tackle that back log once and for all!

nadia nawaz

New year,bigger dreams and brighter smiles!

Dear diary,

Before I begin to even write to you, beads of perspiration line my brow from the nervousness of this task. Focusing too much on myself has always made me so very self-conscious. Writing, and then and seeing it so plainly before me brings on a feeling of  utter nakedness. I feel exposed and open to the world and usually do anything to avoid it.Yet today I will plough ahead in my bravery. The year 2012 has just ended and brings with it promises of 365 days which have yet to be written. Filling the pages of my empty book is where I begin, for today I wish to vent…

This touched the very depth of my soul

This really got me thinking..  (Source: Instagram)

I sit here amidst the slush of slowly melting ice, the laughter of joyous children, their gleeful shouts and cries and their smiles; beautiful enough to melt a heart of stone. I sit here alone, silent and still as I watch the busy parents tend to their handful of children running around trying to keep their hats and gloves from falling.I watch young couples so in love, their eyes brimming from the promises of many more happy days to come and I watch the old and fading,their eyes holding stories of lifetimes long gone, moments spent so contentedly; a smile of fulfilment on their fragile faces as they too occupy one of the many park benches surrounding me.
I realise how much I love to listen to the sounds of human voices, their excited chatter intermingled and entwined, fading away into the distance..
As I sit here, I cannot help but wonder at my own troubled thoughts and emotions; raging and raw. A burdened soul, cowering under the load of its weight. Those memories which were carefree moments thought so little of once upon a time, have never failed to haunt me. The voices and faces which have been so frequently conjured up in my memory, have long since become one big tangled web of images, completely indistinguishable from one another.
It feels as though I have become trapped inside a bubble, frozen somewhere in between the past, the present and the future. An immobile being, going through the motions like the minute hand needle of a clock. The thought of what might be, has led to a state of constant fear. Fear of making the wrong choices, fear of having my trust broken and shattered to pieces yet again. Fear of becoming too dependent,fear of loss, fear of desertion, fear of having my life turned into an example of everything bad that could happen, fear of being traumatized, fear of being neglected, fear of missing out and fear of failure.
Putting it all into words so blatantly before myself has left me with a sense of relief  and euphoria. 71916925269155907_88tecxjz

Writing has helped me put my life into perspective and I’ve understood what a true blessing it is.
I have been led to a mounting realization of how unpredictable life actually is.Growing up, what we fail to realize is how lucky we are to have people who love us continuously by our side. Friends that support us and cherish us, forever there at every beck and call, so willing to listen.
2013 comes amidst the fear-for some-of the world ending.Raging wars in the middle east, natural disasters in the west, holes in the ozone in the north and calamities in the south. Inclusive of this is every bit of torture we choose to inflict upon our own kind with civil wars, drone attacks, target shootings, rape, murder, hatred and general evil acts. If the very world we live in cannot be in a state of peace, maybe its time we start focusing on our own little bit.
Maybe living in a perfect world is impossible. But waking up everyday, being so blessed and much much luckier than most is enough to put a smile on my face. I may have bad days, but at least I don’t have a bad life. And so acknowledging my fears is where I must begin.Maybe its time to face my own demons. Maybe its time to fix those broken friendships which began so slowly yet ended too soon. Maybe its time to be true to myself and not hold back.Maybe its time to grow up a little.Maybe its time to forgive…

And so dear diary, I end this note with a light heart, an encouraged spirit and a smile on my lips. For now, I feel the world is mine and I’m determined to face it. Ready for all it has to offer me. Till next time. With much love..

Forever yours, Nadia

I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe Dalai Lama (Location: UK)

I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe Dalai Lama
(Location:UK)

nadia nawaz

2012- Overview. This one’s for you, yes you; the one reading this title right now!

I sit at a university computer amidst a row of dusty workstations, discarded wrappers,crisp crumbs and empty energy drink cans left over from the bunch of students working late into the night.It is yet too early for the cleaning crew to make their daily round or for the surrounding computers to be occupied. Soon the place will be abuzz with conversation, excited chatter about the up coming holidays and agitated students rushing through last-minute submissions. The university library has become somewhat of a second home, forever open; 24/7 to the ever seeking. Today I try not to cringe at the sheer laziness of how someone could refuse to pick up after themselves especially when the trash-can happens to be a foot length away. My mind is preoccupied with wandering  thoughts as my eyes witness the beauty surrounding me, separated only by a wall of glass.

Pure Bliss!

Pure Bliss!

For once the sun seems to shinning, but I have learnt that is merely an illusion. For if you were to stand outside, the icy winds would cut right through you, chilling you to the bone. Today the water is neither calm nor aggressive. The waves seem to be moving in gentle ripples, carried by the wind. The sun streams in through the clear glass windows lining the wall from floor to ceiling. As I sit and watch, a plane slowly makes its decent, its wheels slowly turning, moving to a  rhythm as it begins to glide down like a bird, so elegant and mesmerizing.

The moment of joy when you click the button and get the perfect shot!!

The moment of joy when you click the button and get the perfect shot!!

Today happens to be the last day of this year’s semester A. Two more exams stand in the way of moving on to the next semester. When I first began it seemed such a long long way to go, yet now time seems to be moving more like the river I sit overlooking.Fluid and fast paced, its passing by in a whirl. 2012 has almost come to an end and so has my cycle of fast paced madness.

The rapidity with which this year has passed never fails to stun me. It seems as though it were only yesterday that I was standing glued to my television screen watching the fireworks erupt over the London eye at 12 a.m. Too warm and comfortable at home to brave the cold, rush and traffic in an attempt to be at the actual monument.(Truth be told,if I remember correctly, my dad was under the weather and my mother just refused to drive us all the way there).

Nevertheless  here I am, a year later feeling pretty much cheated over by time and its cleverness, barely struggling to keep up with my ticking clock.

Looking over the year, all I see is a flashback of events. So monotonous and similar. Naturally I’ve had my fair share of shitty terrible days which I would rather not think about any more than I have to.  Having said that, what I cannot deny is the number of opportunities which have come my way, the people I have met and the laughter I have shared with them.

Along with this, I have also learnt a lot about myself, my capabilities and how blessed I truly am. I understand that not everyone is lucky enough to have a knack for writing and expressing their thoughts and emotions through their words. What’s funny is how I’ve learnt more about accounting, shareholders, stock exchanges, film industries and fashion-through helping friends in their course work-than I ever cared to know.I have never felt more humbled than when acquaintances and friends have considered me skilful enough to  ask me for help with their final year dissertations. (Being a junior, and in a year below them, this really meant a lot). The appreciation people have shown thereafter is the best reward I can dream of getting.

I have decided to end this year on a good note, focusing on all the positives and trying my hardest to be as optimistic as I can. I conclude this, hoping and praying that the coming year will be a form of happiness, and a source of inspiration for us all out there, hoping to achieve something worthy in life.

Note: A big thank you and lots of love to anyone who ever makes the effort to read these posts. Getting a comment is like unwrapping a surprise present. Meaningful criticism and counter arguments are always embraced with pleasure. I love the thought of someone challenging me with their own thoughts and views.It’s one of the best parts of writing! 

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