The entire idea of him was something completely foreign to her. He had an aura of contentment and dominance about him and though a part of her wanted to continue exploring, he intimidated her. He was, in his very essence different in every way possible from anyone she had met so far. Learning about his experiences was an exciting concept. Yet a sense of hesitancy still held her back from embracing him in his entirety. She was afraid. Secrets were only allowed when kept or revealed by her, and that untold past of his kept her under a blanket of mistrust, holding her back from happiness once again..
Lately it seemed like she was on a path to destroy herself. To her, it felt like nothing really mattered, but the moment she was in. She had never been the reckless type. Every decision was thought over, every move calculated; the pros and cons measured. But she had changed. In retrospect, her actions frightened her. She didn’t recognise her responses as her own.
Years ago she has always admired people with guts. People who were forever ready, waiting to take the plunge. It seemed she had morphed into someone who no longer cared about the consequences till days after- when her mind had slowly had time to process that whirl wind of thoughts. That’s when guilt began to settle in. She knew she had to re-gain control, before she caused herself irreparable damage.But this path of self-destruction seemed like such an easy escape.. at least for the moment.
For once, since before she could remember, her confusion had subsided. A sense of knowing that what she felt was real and the satisfaction that came with it was enough to calm her and get her through the days.
What lay ahead still scared her as did the thought of how time would play her or how everything would unfold. But the constant presence of that tiny hope and the trust of finally letting it all go had never felt so good. For three years now the same thought and confusion had been spreading across her heart and mind like a disease. It ate away slowly, making her miserable and more alone than ever before, ruining every good memory she had of that time.
Acceptance had been her answer all along. Despite being so sure of it somewhere deep down in the dusty recesses of her mind, she had never before dared to speak the words aloud or even acknowledge them to herself let alone anyone else.
This was only the first step and it had taken years of tears, hurt and a broken trust but it had also made her appreciate everything all the more. For now, she was content to know that her feelings were real and that her destiny would take her where she belonged..
Trust me… Seems like a simple two-word sentence, regularly spoken and habitually used by almost all of us at some point in our lives. Yet this very sentence often tends to have the most lethal effects on people imaginable. Every human on this earth is born to expect something. It’s just the way we are. We have been programmed to rely on one another. All that “man is a social animal talk” we grow up hearing, it’s real. We can’t live alone and neither is how it should be. Reliance and trust is built up within us and our dependability on other people tends to grow as we move forward in life.
With every step we take we meet new people. We begin to get closer to them, slowly building up our sense of conviction and faith. Knowing we can count on them to stand by our side and always be there for us, we start to lay back and relax a little.
We begin to slowly shed that outer invisible wall we have erected over time. That hard shell, which keeps us detached from the rest of the world, gradually begins to weaken. As we begin to relax, we become increasingly vulnerable, an easy target for the prey waiting to catch us when we least expect them to.
At times like these, that unexpected blow has the capability to shatter you. Being lied to and having your trust broken comes as a complete knock back. You begin to feel torn up inside and can soon float adrift in your confusion and pain.
But with age comes maturity, a further in-sight and understanding about what people are about, what they stand for and what they’re willing to do just to get what they want.
We all make mistakes, trust the wrong people and in time realize who our true friends are. However the process no matter how painful can always lead to a path of healing and improvement. We come back more resolute and determined to face the world. We gain a sense of confidence which we may have previously lacked. We learn more about the world and our own selves than we would ever have cared to know.
The learning process is always hard and painful but necessary to pass through, just to make us better and stronger people at the end of it all, without which we would never appreciate the good times as much as we do.
“Pain is a pesky part of being human, I’ve learned it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without, in our lives here. Pain is a sudden hurt that can’t be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.”
― C. JoyBell C.
Before I begin to even write to you, beads of perspiration line my brow from the nervousness of this task. Focusing too much on myself has always made me so very self-conscious. Writing, and then and seeing it so plainly before me brings on a feeling of utter nakedness. I feel exposed and open to the world and usually do anything to avoid it.Yet today I will plough ahead in my bravery. The year 2012 has just ended and brings with it promises of 365 days which have yet to be written. Filling the pages of my empty book is where I begin, for today I wish to vent…
I sit here amidst the slush of slowly melting ice, the laughter of joyous children, their gleeful shouts and cries and their smiles; beautiful enough to melt a heart of stone. I sit here alone, silent and still as I watch the busy parents tend to their handful of children running around trying to keep their hats and gloves from falling.I watch young couples so in love, their eyes brimming from the promises of many more happy days to come and I watch the old and fading,their eyes holding stories of lifetimes long gone, moments spent so contentedly; a smile of fulfilment on their fragile faces as they too occupy one of the many park benches surrounding me.
I realise how much I love to listen to the sounds of human voices, their excited chatter intermingled and entwined, fading away into the distance..
As I sit here, I cannot help but wonder at my own troubled thoughts and emotions; raging and raw. A burdened soul, cowering under the load of its weight. Those memories which were carefree moments thought so little of once upon a time, have never failed to haunt me. The voices and faces which have been so frequently conjured up in my memory, have long since become one big tangled web of images, completely indistinguishable from one another.
It feels as though I have become trapped inside a bubble, frozen somewhere in between the past, the present and the future. An immobile being, going through the motions like the minute hand needle of a clock. The thought of what might be, has led to a state of constant fear. Fear of making the wrong choices, fear of having my trust broken and shattered to pieces yet again. Fear of becoming too dependent,fear of loss, fear of desertion, fear of having my life turned into an example of everything bad that could happen, fear of being traumatized, fear of being neglected, fear of missing out and fear of failure.
Putting it all into words so blatantly before myself has left me with a sense of relief and euphoria.
Writing has helped me put my life into perspective and I’ve understood what a true blessing it is.
I have been led to a mounting realization of how unpredictable life actually is.Growing up, what we fail to realize is how lucky we are to have people who love us continuously by our side. Friends that support us and cherish us, forever there at every beck and call, so willing to listen.
2013 comes amidst the fear-for some-of the world ending.Raging wars in the middle east, natural disasters in the west, holes in the ozone in the north and calamities in the south. Inclusive of this is every bit of torture we choose to inflict upon our own kind with civil wars, drone attacks, target shootings, rape, murder, hatred and general evil acts. If the very world we live in cannot be in a state of peace, maybe its time we start focusing on our own little bit.
Maybe living in a perfect world is impossible. But waking up everyday, being so blessed and much much luckier than most is enough to put a smile on my face. I may have bad days, but at least I don’t have a bad life. And so acknowledging my fears is where I must begin.Maybe its time to face my own demons. Maybe its time to fix those broken friendships which began so slowly yet ended too soon. Maybe its time to be true to myself and not hold back.Maybe its time to grow up a little.Maybe its time to forgive…
And so dear diary, I end this note with a light heart, an encouraged spirit and a smile on my lips. For now, I feel the world is mine and I’m determined to face it. Ready for all it has to offer me. Till next time. With much love..
Forever yours, Nadia