Self destruction

Lately it seemed like she was on a path to destroy herself. To her, it felt like nothing really mattered, but the moment she was in. She had never been the reckless type. Every decision was thought over, every move calculated; the pros and cons measured. But she had changed. In retrospect, her actions frightened her. She didn’t recognise her responses as her own.

Years ago she has always admired people with guts. People who were forever ready, waiting to take the plunge. It seemed she had morphed into someone who no longer cared about the consequences till days after- when her mind had slowly had time to process that whirl wind of thoughts. That’s when guilt began to settle in. She knew she had to re-gain control, before she caused herself irreparable damage.But this path of self-destruction seemed like such an easy escape.. at least for the moment.

nadia nawaz

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All of you

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The ghost of my past lingers around me like the dense smoke I exhale, the shisha pipe clutched between my fingers.

The air is thick and clouded, a mist of vapour saturating it as with each breath I unfold a sequence of vivid of memories, unlocking the shadow of guilt which refuses to leave my side.

The shadow I always see in the green greying depths of your beautiful eyes..
In the clever formation of your words my mind interprets so radically..
In the dark of the night as I walk alone.

Shadows of the ghost, waiting for me to yield to their persistent nagging, always refusing to acknowledge my resolve.

How can they understand that I regret you, your very existence.. All of you.

nadia nawaz

Confessions!! You ready?

Staring at this blank page spread out across my computer screen, for once in my life I’m at a loss of what to say. I feel as though I could sit here and vent.  Fill pages upon pages upon pages of every single thing that troubles me. Let the tide of emotions take over and let my fingers roll over the key board as I hammer away, letting out my mounting frustrations and then once when I’m done maybe let out a huge sigh of relief, hit the publish  button and let it be. How easy would that be? How daring; to strip myself bare of every thought, feeling and emotion within me for the world to see. To mock, ridicule and criticize.

But then I think of the consequences of what that might trigger. The horrors all the confessions might unleash. The memories it will bring forth.  But most of all, the impact it may have upon me and the repercussions of my words upon those reading them. Just picturing that causes the coward within me to come alive, igniting like a flame upon touching a candle wick.

The selfish side of me wants to not care any more, to complain and vent.  But then my more logical  side takes over, forcing me to over think, process and reprocess every thought and then keep deleting every sentence I write until I’m back where I began. That white expanse of emptiness filling my monitor screen.  Just willing me to do it, to not be so damn cowardly for once in my life. To maybe just let things be and roll with the wind and see where it takes me.

With each complaint I make, the guilt begins to mount until it begins to choke me. I begin to picture those beautiful little orphaned children being forced to live through a waging war in battered countries and my heart goes out to them. My ungratefulness causes me to bow my head in shame and I feel disgusted for letting myself drown in self-pity.

And so with the year coming to an end and two decades behind me I’ve decided that maybe it’s time for me to let go, to move forward and stop back tracking through  my life as though it were a video tape stuck on replay. Maybe this is the chance I’ve been given, to start a new. Maybe it’s time to stop reminiscing over things which can never be the same and look forward with a newer, stronger love for life. Maybe it’s time to start living. So what are you waiting for? Smile that precious smile, take my hand, and away we go…

nadia nawaz