Lately it seemed like she was on a path to destroy herself. To her, it felt like nothing really mattered, but the moment she was in. She had never been the reckless type. Every decision was thought over, every move calculated; the pros and cons measured. But she had changed. In retrospect, her actions frightened her. She didn’t recognise her responses as her own.
Years ago she has always admired people with guts. People who were forever ready, waiting to take the plunge. It seemed she had morphed into someone who no longer cared about the consequences till days after- when her mind had slowly had time to process that whirl wind of thoughts. That’s when guilt began to settle in. She knew she had to re-gain control, before she caused herself irreparable damage.But this path of self-destruction seemed like such an easy escape.. at least for the moment.
I won’t deny that my initial feelings were one’s of being hugely let down.I felt betrayed. Day’s later, as I have had time to reflect upon it, I have come to feel annoyed at your general aloofness and your unwillingness to explain yourself better. Your lack of complete absence of any form of comfort could in part be owing to my enormous effort at trying to make the whole thing seem so ridiculously minor. But the truth is, I’m only human and no matter how brave a front I put up, at that moment I was hurting just like you once were.But the brokenness I feel is temporary and along the surface, and with time that too will fade. Above all though I respect you,and your decision. I see your good heart and your courage and I know you will go on to grow into much much more. I carefully savour our shared moments for nothing,not even this can tarnish those. You may not realise it but you have always been exceptionally special in my eyes,despite your many short comings, I admire you. And know that no matter where life takes us, you will always find a friend in me..
In the darkest hour of the night he lay awake staring into the silence that enveloped him. His thoughts carried him to a place far away as his ears became accustomed to the sound of his rhythmic breathing. For him life was at a stand still, a moment in time where he lay captive. As the days dragged on and the seconds ticked by, he remained a constant in the whirl wind of activities that surrounded him. No matter how hard he tried or what he busied himself in, his mind somehow always found her.
Her… He closed his eyes as once again the very thought of her took his mind through a dizzying blur of entwining memories. Overtime she had consumed him becoming a non-detachable part of his soul making him acutely aware of his own deficiencies, as he bettered himself in a bid to win her.
As the days melted into weeks he all but drifted through, aware of the seasons as they came and went but no longer caring.
Consumed by these thoughts of her, he felt his eye lids become heavy with sleep as his dreams clouded his thoughts and he melted away into a place where they walked as one.
A flood of memories hit him causing him to inhale deeply. He closed his eyes as a storm of feeling threatened to overwhelm him, drowning him within their depths. Flashbacks of moments once thought of as fickle, fought through the chaos and resurfaced old feelings. Feelings and emotions he had long before buried and sealed shut, vowing never to intentionally dwell on again. It was a hard battle, one he fought everyday while constantly living in the present yet dreaming in the past.
He often wondered what it was about that year and her in particular, that had caused such a huge impact on him. He was unable to shake off the constant feeling of being haunted. Haunted by a past so beautifully perfect yet so embellished by his imagination.
How time had played him and life had tested him, ultimately moulding him into the man he had now become. He was no longer bitter. His past was something he had learnt to live with treasuring those who had been part of it all.
Somewhere through the rush of thoughts and the ache and longing of people he could no longer bear to be parted from, he lost himself in a void; empty of all emotion. He had been robbed of his chance of true happiness. He allowed himself to float through, finding contentment in the bliss of nothingness, even if but for a moment.
His mind and thoughts once so easily readable and laid out completely bare for her to see, were now as untraceable as the tracks of a camel in a desert after a sand storm.It was like a shadow had been cast over his heart. A thick blanket covered his mind hiding from her anything which might make him as vulnerable and easily breakable as he had once been. Continue reading →