On Graduating, end of University life and some startling confessions-Brace yourself

               Can't wait for my convocation ceremony!

Can’t wait for my convocation ceremony!

Day 8..

So its been 8 days since my result was announced and I officially became a graduate. Having gone through the British University system, I was awarded a first class Hons.Degree in Information Technology. *Proud moment*

Tick Tock.. The time is 3.40 a.m! I should have been asleep over an hour ago, yet here I lay in a darkened room staring at the illuminated screen of my laptop hoping I can make it through this post without having to correct those pesky typo’s. *Bear with me please, I have no patience for editing*

Its been about a week since I’ve stepped out of my house.Literally. Those eye bags I acquired over the course of my final year due to lack of sleep and the insane tan I got from this extreme amount of sun we seem to be having this summer, are finally disappearing.Hurrah!

Those daily, four-hour train journeys have ended. That mounting sense of responsibility, dread of being a failure, inability to comprehend people’s bullshit and hours of struggling with coursework as well as that added exam stress has momentarily lifted.

Yes I know, I should be euphoric at this point – planning a wonderful future ahead, mentally checking off that long list of countries I promised myself  I would visit, exchanging mushy messages with a lover/potential husband/fiancée, basking in the freedom of a worry free future with the world at my fingertips… But here I am instead tapping away at this hour of the night churning out my frustrations to the world. (And I call myself an insanely private person, but I am)

Graduating is weird. It’s a silly overrated concept of finally entering the best years of your life, when in actuality its a kick in the ass and a great big shove through the door of adulthood-ism.

Through the course of your education you may have thought expectations surrounding you were high, but now suddenly you’re on the highest level of the expectation barometer! Questions such as ‘So when are you getting married?’, ‘Why isn’t your daughter engaged yet?’, ‘Let me introduce you to my son-so handsome, he’s perfect for you’, ‘Don’t you have a job yet?’, ‘What are you doing these days?’, ‘So what next?’, ‘What’s the plan?’, ‘You’re 21 years old, about time you settled down no?’ etc pour forth and drown you, left right and centre.

So here I am, plan-less, lover-less (Trust me, I almost had the perfect one and its killing me!), Job-less, Money-less, but completely content at being unemployed for now, just floating between escalating moments of relief, hopelessness and a constant feeling of being completely stagnant both emotionally and mentally..

The fact that I graduated feels like a distant memory, which resurfaces now and again bringing back that much-needed sense of accomplishment.

dog-graduation (1)

 

Nadia Nawaz

 

 

Clouded over

Sitting alone, in the corner of a busy café overlooking the street, she looked up at the obscure sky.  With each passing hour the temperature seemed to fall a degree lower, as the icy winds mercilessly whipped across each passer-by’s face causing them to huddle and dig their hands even deeper into their pockets, their faces red and blistered.Her breath had fogged up the glass and she moved her face away, slowly drawing patterns  on it with her finger.

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Strangers…

7.30 a.m:
The only distinguishable sound around me is the thud of hundreds of footsteps, entirely out of sync.Each sound is lost amongst the echo of their collective patter,resounding off the walls of the tunnel. Muffled voices are carried through the dingy passageway, illuminated with fluorescent lighting overhead.

A sea of faces with un-seeing eyes pass over me-Seeing, yet unaware of their surroundings-Registering the thousands of faces around them,devoid of all emotion,they seem transfixed and lost within the circumference of their own captivating little world consisting of hundreds of thoughts.

Every face I pass is different,yet collectively they all look the same; with that detached  vacant glare and eyes which pierce mine. A solemn glance across my face,registering my presence,reading there nothing.

The aloofness which surrounds me is chilling but at the same time welcoming;providing me the opportunity to think. Every stranger who walks past holds within their hearts an untold story, going their separate ways, with a destination only they can see.

We stand so close yet our thoughts are worlds apart. The lack of space causes everyone to merge together,all caged in,clinging to the over hanging bars and long tube handles as landscapes around us change and the world outside moves past in a whirl of green and black. Yet inside, time seems to be at a stand still.The train feels devoid of all emotion as I stand there,amidst the scuttle of feet,the brush of arms and legs against one another and the pressured wind passing by.We move across the tunnel as one.

The train comes to a stop;the doors open. The announcer’s voice seems muffled by the rush of feet all scurrying out as the doors bang shut and the train whips past.Somewhere along that long passageway between platforms stands a solitary cheerful being. He seems at peace, happily playing his guitar while singing to passerby’s as he tries to brighten the atmosphere. He goes on playing unaware; with his hat laid out before him on the floor he tries his best to earn a living.In the early morning rush,his efforts seems wasted, as people scurry along; the hum of voices never diminishing.

Day after day I travel,observing yet completely silent. Returning the odd smile here and there and meeting those vacant gentle glances,often wondering what might be going on behind that facade of steel held up so well,only to hide the emotions and demons which rage within.

As I journey on, from platform to platform passing a myriad of machine like beings following the same set path along the underground trains I cant help but wonder.
Are human beings slowly becoming more robotic, shielding themselves against everything, becoming better and better at holding up that steel armor and shutting out the world.

We are all just strangers, brushing past one another on that long journey which lies ahead…