The entire idea of him was something completely foreign to her. He had an aura of contentment and dominance about him and though a part of her wanted to continue exploring, he intimidated her. He was, in his very essence different in every way possible from anyone she had met so far. Learning about his experiences was an exciting concept. Yet a sense of hesitancy still held her back from embracing him in his entirety. She was afraid. Secrets were only allowed when kept or revealed by her, and that untold past of his kept her under a blanket of mistrust, holding her back from happiness once again..
Disappointment is like a leash around my throat, threatening to strangle me as it slowly tightens with each passing second. The thought of being let down in such an unfathomable way is surreal. But the stark reality of the situation, the finality of the decision and the suddenness with which everything has unfolded is something which cannot be ignored. The very part of us that allows us to open up, trust people and let them get close is the humanness which makes us imperfect, susceptible to harm and just like that we begin to deem ourselves incapable of being loved. Blaming our own poor judgement and openness is just so easy yet it’s the biggest fault of all..
For once, since before she could remember, her confusion had subsided. A sense of knowing that what she felt was real and the satisfaction that came with it was enough to calm her and get her through the days.
What lay ahead still scared her as did the thought of how time would play her or how everything would unfold. But the constant presence of that tiny hope and the trust of finally letting it all go had never felt so good. For three years now the same thought and confusion had been spreading across her heart and mind like a disease. It ate away slowly, making her miserable and more alone than ever before, ruining every good memory she had of that time.
Acceptance had been her answer all along. Despite being so sure of it somewhere deep down in the dusty recesses of her mind, she had never before dared to speak the words aloud or even acknowledge them to herself let alone anyone else.
This was only the first step and it had taken years of tears, hurt and a broken trust but it had also made her appreciate everything all the more. For now, she was content to know that her feelings were real and that her destiny would take her where she belonged..
Trust me… Seems like a simple two-word sentence, regularly spoken and habitually used by almost all of us at some point in our lives. Yet this very sentence often tends to have the most lethal effects on people imaginable. Every human on this earth is born to expect something. It’s just the way we are. We have been programmed to rely on one another. All that “man is a social animal talk” we grow up hearing, it’s real. We can’t live alone and neither is how it should be. Reliance and trust is built up within us and our dependability on other people tends to grow as we move forward in life.
With every step we take we meet new people. We begin to get closer to them, slowly building up our sense of conviction and faith. Knowing we can count on them to stand by our side and always be there for us, we start to lay back and relax a little.
We begin to slowly shed that outer invisible wall we have erected over time. That hard shell, which keeps us detached from the rest of the world, gradually begins to weaken. As we begin to relax, we become increasingly vulnerable, an easy target for the prey waiting to catch us when we least expect them to.
At times like these, that unexpected blow has the capability to shatter you. Being lied to and having your trust broken comes as a complete knock back. You begin to feel torn up inside and can soon float adrift in your confusion and pain.
But with age comes maturity, a further in-sight and understanding about what people are about, what they stand for and what they’re willing to do just to get what they want.
We all make mistakes, trust the wrong people and in time realize who our true friends are. However the process no matter how painful can always lead to a path of healing and improvement. We come back more resolute and determined to face the world. We gain a sense of confidence which we may have previously lacked. We learn more about the world and our own selves than we would ever have cared to know.
The learning process is always hard and painful but necessary to pass through, just to make us better and stronger people at the end of it all, without which we would never appreciate the good times as much as we do.
“Pain is a pesky part of being human, I’ve learned it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without, in our lives here. Pain is a sudden hurt that can’t be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.”
― C. JoyBell C.
They say it’s a part of human nature, to always wonder about what could have been. To obsess over moments long past, and to never be satisfied with what is.
Each and every one of us craves that which we can’t have.
We tend to go over and re-construct past encounters in ways which satisfy and please us,often at times opposite to how the incident unfolded in the first place. That little voice inside our heads never ceases to quieten. Its relentless questions, and continuous re-playing of conversations forces us back into times which we no longer remember as they once were, often a result of all those emotions welling up inside us which tend to overcome the original memory. All rational thoughts are pushed aside as we sink deeper and deeper into the past, going through each recollection and wishing how things could have somehow been different.
Along with the memories comes the guilt and self-blame. We blame ourselves for not having enough for-sight about the matter, about not handling the situation well enough. Or maybe even being a bit too harsh. Add to that a never-ending terrain of questions and that’s when the doubt settles in.
With doubt comes dissatisfaction.How many of us have often spent sleepless nights obsessing over a moment long gone yet wondering how it would have been, had it somehow worked out differently.At the same time knowing with certainty that things always happen for the best.
Making peace with the past is often the hardest, yet best methods to gain contentment. It is a battle which is tough,nevertheless necessary, and once won can help bring about that inner peace each and every one of us lacks, yet craves so desperately…