There comes a point when your whole life rests on one big decision. The choice once made could either make or break you. All it takes is one little signature on a stack of papers..
You outweigh the pros and cons. You spend sleepless nights wishing you could take a quick peek into the future, hoping you would find that little string of self-assurance you can hang on to. The risk in question excites you while at the same time deflates you. You feel as though you are signing away a portion of your life.
You find yourself wishing someone would make the decision for you, but at this point even your parents can only offer advice. They seem to be as unsure as you, and this revelation brings their own humanness to your attention. You look back at those last few carefree days spent at university and wish to turn back time if only for a few hours of peace. Though this future prospect has the potential to open up avenues you would have previously deemed impossible, it also has an element of uncertainty. This fear of one-day regretting the decision hangs overhead like a pendulum ready to drop.
And so all that’s left is to wait. The grace period looms in the distance and you begin to wonder whether you will take the gamble, hoping whatever path you take will be worth it.
An enigma of uncertainty and doubt lurk in the dusty recesses of my thoughts as a shadow, shrouded only by my strong wall of resilience and confidence. Feelings of uncertainty always lie in wait just below the surface, making sudden and calculated appearances as they bury my self-assuredness into oblivion. A darkness so draining envelops swiftly leaving me floating in a pool of apprehension. Similar to the healing process of a freshly peeled scab, regrowth of self belief is a steep climb with a shallow pool of familiar brokenness below and an expanse of emotional detachment above. The middle is where I choose to settle for now, listless and raw.
A simple decision-that lethal eight letter word which has the ability to turn your world upside down and inside out. Keeping you on edge until the very last moment; waiting for you to take one wrong turn so it can screw you with a vengeance.
Frustration slowly but surely begins to mount, the pressure builds up at the back of your head, leading to a point when the next person who dares to offer a word to counter your argument becomes the target of your rage and you beat down upon them in retaliation, looking for an outlet for all that stress. That sudden knee jerk reaction, forced out of compulsion leads to consequences far greater than you could imagine.
Humans are programmed to rely on one another’s opinion. What becomes hard is when there are too many paths to follow and only a single decision to make. The weight of which rests on your shoulders, causing you to stand there silently and suck it up with a brave face or else be trodden on and brushed aside with the flick of a finger.
Life you see is race; a race which we have all been destined to run. The path we take however depends solely upon us. We can either choose one way or another. The outcome of which is decided only upon the completion of our journey. That’s when we begin to realise how badly we’ve screwed up. Blaming does no good; for the opinion provided may have been wrong, but the option to follow it was entirely a matter of our own choice.
Choices and decisions go hand in hand. For what may look all glittery and easy on the exterior could certainly have a horrifying interior. Carefully concealed and hidden with perfection. But that’s the uncertainty of life; after all, the life we live is imperfect.
They say it’s a part of human nature, to always wonder about what could have been. To obsess over moments long past, and to never be satisfied with what is.
Each and every one of us craves that which we can’t have.
We tend to go over and re-construct past encounters in ways which satisfy and please us,often at times opposite to how the incident unfolded in the first place. That little voice inside our heads never ceases to quieten. Its relentless questions, and continuous re-playing of conversations forces us back into times which we no longer remember as they once were, often a result of all those emotions welling up inside us which tend to overcome the original memory. All rational thoughts are pushed aside as we sink deeper and deeper into the past, going through each recollection and wishing how things could have somehow been different.
Along with the memories comes the guilt and self-blame. We blame ourselves for not having enough for-sight about the matter, about not handling the situation well enough. Or maybe even being a bit too harsh. Add to that a never-ending terrain of questions and that’s when the doubt settles in.
With doubt comes dissatisfaction.How many of us have often spent sleepless nights obsessing over a moment long gone yet wondering how it would have been, had it somehow worked out differently.At the same time knowing with certainty that things always happen for the best.
Making peace with the past is often the hardest, yet best methods to gain contentment. It is a battle which is tough,nevertheless necessary, and once won can help bring about that inner peace each and every one of us lacks, yet craves so desperately…